Pregnancy Dos and Don’ts

DO bask in the glow of getting knocked up. Someone wanted to get with you. Celebrate that shit.
DON’T look in the mirror again until the baby is born, halfway through college, and you are exercising again or medicated, whichever comes first.

DO think positively, buy those wrist magnets and sip ginger tea.
DON’T bet everyone in the office ten bucks each you won’t experience morning sickness “because, like PMS, it doesn’t exist.” It’s no fun being broke and humiliated.

DO rub copious amounts of cocoa butter all over your belly and breasts to prevent stretch marks.
DON’T think it’ll make one goddamn bit of difference.

DO practice yoga because conquering the whole breath thing while weighing more than a small cow and rocking that downward dog pose is super impressive.
DON’T think about how that particular pose led to all this trouble in the first place.

DO eat healthy enough for you and however many nose-pickers you are carrying inside you.
DON’T try to convince people “you can’t tell I’m pregnant from behind” because THAT is a fucking lie.

DO avoid thinking about all the things that could go wrong.
DON’T make jokes about registering for helmets and special needs bibs “just in case” because you’ll end up swallowing water the wrong way and projectile vomiting while your husband yells “Karma is a bitch” from the living room. For reals. You’re already not hot.

DO go out and buy those adorable $200 dresses from a boutique maternity shop.
DON’T blame anyone but yourself when Fetus kicks your bladder and you piss all over them.

DO plan a water birth with soothing music and candles and incense and shit.
DON’T be surprised if that plan is blown to hell, for various reasons. This is just the beginning of your children coming between you and a good idea – at least this time they’re not drunk.

DO buy wrist guards, ankle supports, sneakers, a back brace, and plenty of makeup to cover that rash.
DON’T believe anyone who says they want to take your picture “because you’re so adorable.” That nose spreading across your face? About to go viral, bitch.

DO smile when people rub your belly. It’s part of the process.
DON’T think about how other hands are going to be up inside that belly very soon. And how you’ll probably poop in front of everyone while it’s happening.