Not Getting Laid? Reasons, Myths, Solutions

I love feminists’ columns about women, sex and marriage. They’re entertaining and a great way to learn new words for Scrabble.

Especially entertaining is when they write about women’s lack of interest in sex. (Which, if you read books like “What Do Women Want?” by Daniel Bergner, where they talk to actual women, lots of them, you’d know it was the exact opposite. Or if you talked to me.)

Some writers believe the reasons for a decrease in desire are rooted in middle-class history, upbringing, and culture. That’s why they reject the idea of a Viagra-like pill for women. They don’t think it’s the answer.

I agree with them about the pill, but disagree with the reasoning behind it.

We are rooted in a society that, across the board, wants easy answers from the comfort of our couches. We pop pills to lose weight instead of exercising, we blame musicians for our kids’ bad behavior instead of ourselves and believe something as complex as sexuality can be easily influenced by beer commercials and sitcoms.

Many of these columnists are single or gay, living in a wealthy urban environment. They have never been middle-class wives or mothers, yet they pretend to know a lot about us. Their ramblings are akin to priests acting as marriage counselors. Those who lack real-world knowledge or experience mustn’t be completely disregarded, but let’s take their more outlandish views with a grain of salt.

Since I am a middle-class wife and mother, staring down middle-age with a magnifying mirror in one hand and a vodka drink in the other, and all while possessing a healthy sex drive, I am in a perfect position to offer a rebuttal.

Despite what writers learn while perusing Parenting magazines in their doctor’s offices, a lackadaisical sex drive isn’t just the problem of white, upper middle-class moms. In every demographic, there are women and men who enjoy sex – and women and men who would rather soak their feet.

There is a theory that men respond to a lack of interest from their wives by neutering themselves. And frustrated women allegedly lose themselves in poorly written books that dangerously misrepresent kinky play like BDSM, and then line up around the block when said books are made into shitty movies.

Hmmmmm…

Perhaps. But a great deal of men and women don’t embrace chastity. They find comfort elsewhere.

Camille Paglia once wrote, “Family life has put middle-class men in a bind; they are simply cogs in a domestic machine commanded by women.” She thinks THAT is the problem.

Some of this is justified. Dealing with the pressures of work both outside and inside the home, women are required to juggle more balls while men sometimes have their hands full with just the two between their legs. But the idea of a man being dragged along as a cog is laughable. Married men live longer, suffer fewer episodes of depression, and don’t ever have to pick up dirty clothes. Studies consistently show they are happier than single men.

My Nana once blamed sexual dysfunction on a lack of mystery, saying we simply know too much about each other.

“Men don’t need to hear about maxi-pads with wings!”

Blaming a lack of sex drive on “culture driven and drained by middle-class values” is too easy. There are real reasons why some people don’t want boom-boom in their zoom-zoom.

If you are getting laid once or twice a quarter, don’t blame your demographic or exposure to tampon commercials.

You might just be a lazy fuck or a lousy one.

Do you spend most of your time on your ass in front of the computer? The best foreplay involves your fingers wrapped gently around an iron or maybe a dust rag. Exercise a little. Get up and DO something with yourself.

Read a book, discuss something interesting, and make a life for yourself so you feel good enough to bang. If you put half the effort into your sexual fitness as you do your career or children, your SO would be more likely to blow you.

Chew with your mouth closed, remove some of those ear hairs, and make eye contact every single day.

Or maybe you’re lousy in bed. I go on long runs with guys and attend nights out with the girls, so I’m listening more to your partners than you do. They share powerful secrets.

Do you lie there like a sack of potatoes? It’s totally obvious that you’d rather be watching television and NOTHING makes him limp like you acting as if this is some huge favor to him.

Or maybe you snap off a bra in five seconds and attack the clitoris like a carburetor? We love that tongue-tapping action, but your cock isn’t supposed to be thrust up our vaginas like we’re Sasha Grey. Jesus Christ, relax and say something romantic. This is supposed to be enjoyable. Stop acting like 11pm is a deadline with a quarterly bonus hanging in the balance.

No one can reach orgasm under such pressure.

You say you’re attentive, kind, and pitching in around the house? You actually listen to your lover in the bedroom?

If that’s the case, tell your partner to listen up. Frigid women and uninterested men make me sick: as soon as possible, give your partner the love and affection they deserve or they’re perfectly entitled to find it elsewhere.

Seriously, how often are you on Facebook or hovered over those goddamn scrapbooks? Put the golf clubs down. Close the fucking Bible. Summon your SO to the bedroom and have at it.

For Christ’s sake, look like you’re enjoying yourself.

When I espouse this opinion during gatherings with my girls, I hear some common complaints.

“I’m not enjoying myself.”

This might not be your partner’s problem. Too many females aren’t acquainted with their own bodies. If you don’t know how to make yourselves rattle and hum, how is your partner supposed to figure it out?

Buy a vibrator and investigate. Once you’ve determined you are not defective, get in there and have a good time.  Give interested parties a tour and use your words. Tell your lover what to do. It took years to train him to lower the toilet seat and or to get her to drive within the speed limit, so practice patience and learn ‘em how you like it in the hoo-ha.

Innovation and strength of spirit gave rise to our vibrant middle-class culture. It’s not to blame for a low libido, but instead holds the solution. That same innovation and spirit, properly applied, can turn us all on better than a pill.  The clues are everywhere and the solutions are within reach. You just have to know where to look.

And it starts by getting off the couch.