No matter where you live, chances are the weather is going to do some funky shit this winter. In Tampa, where I live, we deal with wet and soggy a lot. This past summer, it wouldn’t stop.
I figured it was God’s angry tears for unleashing Glenn Beck, Larry the Cable Guy and Outback on the world.
Or perhaps Mother Nature’s wrath for Hulk Hogan, Channing Tatum, and Hooters?
I’m about done with my kids and friends and husband, all of them bothering me with questions like “What movie do you want to watch?” or “Why are you talking to yourself?” or the always fun, “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”
Seriously. I’m pretending to go deaf faster than I am.
This is my list of fun activities, for grownups and children alike, for when weather keeps you inside for most of the day – several days in a row. Hopefully these suggestions will keep felony charges and divorce lawyers at bay.
Here we go:
1. Unlock your WiFi. I don’t care how great your kids are, nobody likes anyone for 48 hours in a row. Let them discover old episodes of Seinfeld on Hulu until the roads open and you all can go your separate ways, as God intended.
2. Tweet some cryptic shit no one will understand until your Snapped episode airs.
3. Turn on the news and watch Republican candidates try to out-Trump Trump for media attention.
4. Drink a shot every time someone lowers the bar – you’ll be drunk by noon.
5. Create an indoor treasure hunt, but make it interesting. Give extra points for the kid who finds a stranded bug sneaking inside to get dry or that one remote control that went missing back in March.
6. Ask your kids about school. Try not to look horrified.
7. Take pictures of all the cars floating away. Send them to every politician on the planet who denies climate change. Start with Senator James Inhofe.
8. Get on Yelp. Give props to places you enjoy and trash the places you don’t. Read my reviews and learn all the different ways you can say, “This tastes like dog tongue.”
9. Take a bath. Play soothing music that drowns out Grand Theft Auto and arguments over mock drafts.
10. Teach your kids about family history. Go through old photographs, detailing which relatives stopped talking to whom, and why.
11. Teach everyone to meditate and promise cash to whoever stays quiet the longest. Hopefully they’ll all fall asleep.
12. Read mommy’s hate mail and substitute favorite adjectives for curse words, like Mad Libs for the lonely and demented.
13. Time how long your teenagers can go without quoting Family Guy. First one to last a minute can sit out mom’s fun lecture titled “How to Prevent Zits so the Rest of Us Can Look at You.”
14. Speaking of Guinness, time to medicine if you know what I mean. It’s Dublin-thirty somewhere.
15. Take turns impersonating each other. You’d be surprised where self-discovery can lead.See Guinness entry above.
16. Call the mayor. Use different voices, accents, and identities. Beg for storm drains or snow plows.
17. Give cash reward of $40 to the first person to correctly Name that Tune when played with various body parts. $50 to the person responsible for tomorrow’s laundry.
18. Play a fun little game sweeping the nation: Animal, Vegetable, Fruit or Nail Clipping: The “WHAT IS BEHIND THE COUCH” version.
19. Send fake email from Showtime announcing “Masters of Sex” will not be broadcast indefinitely. Hang a fantasy football draft board under the television. See if mom notices.
Stay dry and warm and sane everyone.