“10 Ways Breastfeeding Makes Me Better Than You”

I believe every mother has to do what’s right for her and her baby. But I’ve heard from several militant mommies who believe the opposite – mainly centered around the idea that I must be smoking crack to suggest such nonsense. Since I’m always willing to listen to the other side, especially once caffeine kicks in, here we are…I’ve summed up their arguments for your review.

“1. I reject silly ideas. The non-lactating partner doesn’t need to bottle-feed to bond with the baby. Who told you that, a MAN?

2. I’m impressive. It takes talent to nurse and read this thoughtful Sylvia Plath biography at the same time. Unlike you formula-feeding bitches all about “Fifty Shades of Grey” on your iPod – you’re fooling no one.

3. I’m brave. I make rednecks, old people, and Victoria Secret’s cashiers uncomfortable all at the same time. I also wear yoga pants with this big ole ass.

4. I’m enlightened. It’s important to raise independent children and nursing them to kindergarten and beyond helps achieve that goal. Well, nursing plus the pacifier, blankie, three stuffed animals, and thumb.

5. I’m strong. Cracked, bleeding nipples and that spaced-out look in Marc’s eyes when he gets the “My boobs aren’t here for your good time” lecture might deter a weaker woman. But I power through because Helen Reddy was right, goddamn it.

6. I’m privileged. I have a flexible work schedule and progressive boss with the luxury to pump or breastfeed all day long and you don’t. In your face!

7. I’m confrontational. Who else is going to challenge those weird women who dare to bottle-feed in public, with their coffee breaks and happy hours and demi-cup sexy-time bras. FUCK THEM.

8. I’m on another wavelength. I totally relate to Gisele Bundchen (same bone structure) and Mayim Bialik (same IQ). That means I know way more than you. About you.

9. I’m pro-woman. NO, making new mommies sit through a lecture on how Breast is Best before allowing them formula isn’t at ALL like making pregnant women sit through a lecture on how Motherhood is Moral before allowing them an abortion. Why? Because I’m for the first and against the second, that’s why! RUDE.

10. I’m tough. Because sleeping for more than two hours at a time is for pussies.

I know. I too worried about never again feeling superior once breastfeeding was over.

But then I went paleo and rescued a dog.”