10 Things You Don’t Want Inside You

When my OB-GYN told me to avoid certain things before (and after) getting pregnant, I didn’t ask why, I just did it. She went to Harvard, after all. I went to a community college.

Her list, my reasoning:

1. Feta cheese – stay away from anything soft and mushy, go for hard instead. Hard tastes better, you stay fuller longer, feels amazing…wait, what were we talking about?

2. Un-pasteurized anything – you hippie freak.

3. Drugs – let’s get a handle on the damage Mommy did and why it still hurts before repeating all those mistakes on a new generation. Cigarettes count.

4. Alcohol – if I could do it, so can you.

5. Medication – you know that kid who couldn’t pee in the potty and was sucking her thumb way past puberty? Daddy was on Zoloft and Mommy was on Valtrex.

6. Caffeine – you’re going to have to learn to function with little or no sleep, start now.

7. Fake sugar – your kid will mispronounce words and watch reality television, on purpose.

8. Hormones, Antibiotics, and Pesticides – if it’s organic, don’t panic.

9. Lead – check your house and workplace for this nasty shit. Either that or don’t be surprised when Junior thinks Journalism is a hell of a career option.

10. Any advice from Dr. Oz – there’s a reason he’s named after a fake wizard. If someone starts a sentence with, “Dr. Oz said…” either plug your ears and sing really loud or charge them $5 like my favorite health food store.

Here’s one thing you *do* want – prenatal vitamins with plenty of folic acid. Don’t let Joaquin Phoenix fool you, harelips are not hot.